How to be an Awesome Computer Tech

How to be an Awesome Computer Tech 

1. Always tell the user to turn the computer off and on again. Do not try to figure the problem out or diagnose it ever. Just reboot! 
   
2. Always convince the user that it's their fault - I mean it is but make sure you point out multiple reasons why it is their fault and could be their fault. Even if you made the mistake, the machine is broken - whatever it is. 
   
3. Always give the longest, most technical explanation possible on how to fix/resolve any issue if the user asks "How did you do that?. Make it as complicated as possible. They need to feel like it's something they cannot do on their own or even understand.
4. Do not schedule a time to fix or resolve any issues; always pop up (or use remote access) at the most inconvenient time possible and unannounced. I mean, if they really wanted it done they'll make their machine available for you and are you really trying to fix it anyway?
5. If you do schedule something - schedule it during an inconvenient time. Middle of the day; first thing in the morning. Just make sure it won't work for the client. (Remember, you are trying not to work) 
6. When the user expresses it worked yesterday - Make sure that you let them know that today is a new day and yesterday doesn't matter. And resort back to number 2 and let them know it's their fault.
7. Always appear as if you have no idea what you are doing; even if you've done it for years. Make sure the client is scared - pretty much just terrified and uneasy while you are fixing their computer issue. Say things like "OMG I have never seen this before" "I don't usually work with PC's" If its a Mac say something like "Is this a  Windows 9 OS?"
   

This is a satire post. Thanks!